Thursday, July 31, 2014

Ghosts of girlfriends past are very present...and I'm glad.

When it comes to exes I'm not exactly opposed to being friends with them. Mine or my husbands. I'll be honest, some I cannot stand to think about nor are they in my life. But the ones I do still have in my life, I kinda love them.... a lot.

I woke up today thinking about my husbands ex fiance (sorry I don't know how to type that fancy thing over the e) I didn't wake up thinking bad thoughts about her but rather how I just miss her sweet face and want to sit and have coffee with her. You see, she is my friend and I adore her. To explain this adoration  I must go back in time a bit...........

My parents have been divorced since I was 2. My Dad had a handful of different marriages and girlfriends over the years and I had an attachment to all of them. The younger I was the more I loved them.  But as I got older I started detaching my feelings toward them. The pain of losing them when things didn't work out was too much for my heart. If you have followed my blog for any length of time you know the woman I love most in the world beside my own Mother (who comes in first place no matter what) is my Stepmom, Linda.

My relationship with Linda was deep. I was very emotionally attached to her. She and my Dad split up when I was in 8th grade and it broke my little heart. I spent many years longing to see her and be with her. As I got older I did see her out in the world on a few occasions. However by that time all of my pain had turned to anger toward her. The few encounters I had with her I spent making sure she knew my pain and not my love.

But then something pretty cool happened.....I grew up. After my first child I thought of her more than ever. She was an enormous part of my childhood.  After a while I reached out for her once again. I knew it was a long shot since so many years had passed but the urge was undeniable. I needed to tell her thank you and tell her how very much I loved her.

With the help of my Dad I was able to contact her. It was everything I thought it would be. We spoke on the phone a few times and I sent her a birthday card. Then as quickly as it started, it was over. I never heard from her again. But I finally had closure  because I was able to tell her my deepest feelings for her. My love for her.

So, how does all this tie into the love I have for my husbands ex fiance? Don't worry, I'm getting there.....

When I met my husband (14 years ago) I knew very quickly he had my heart. Once you have my heart it is very hard to get rid of me! He was different from any other person I'd ever met. I remember visiting him here in Arkansas in the early years of our relationship and when I would leave to go back to Kansas City I would cry. Not just normal cry, I remember feeling the same way about my Dad when I would cry after he dropped me off from our weekend visits and I knew I wouldn't see him again for 2 whole weeks. It was such a sinking heart feeling. Here I was, a grown woman now, feeling this same emotion when I had to leave this man. I knew I could not live without him.

Here he finally was, the man of my dreams. I wanted to know everything about his life up to that point. His history was now important to me! Anyone who loved him I needed to be friends with. No matter who it was because he was/is such an extraordinary person.

Enter....Catrina.

We met years ago before I lived here but I didn't see her much, or ever really. It wasn't until about 5 years ago when we began talking more. There was tragedy in my husbands family and she had called to give her condolences. That's when he began opening up to me about her and her family. He never hid it from me or anything, it's just not exactly common to sit around and talk about exes. But her light just started shining and suddenly I wanted to know everything about her!

She and I developed a small little connection and slowly began talking here and there. I realized that she is a really good person. Not only that but to me, anyone who truly cares about my husband is my friend, not my enemy. If they have pure intentions toward him, who am I to push that away?

This is not about me being a good person for accepting her. This is about my life lessons teaching me the value of good people.  Had my my parents not shown me that relationships that end can still heal into friendship. They show me every day with their respect for each other. They have been divorced 38 years and are still friends. Had my Dad not been amicable with all of his past girlfriends and wives I would not learn that good people are still good people even if you can't be together. In regards to Catrina, if she'd had ill will or resentment in her heart toward my husband or me, we would not be friends. She is the reason we are friends. She genuinely cares about the well being of our family.

She also happens to remind me very much of  my Linda. That alone speaks volumes. Cheers to love and life lessons!!

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